


The Analysis of Human Grief

by roses_and_thorns3



Category: The Magicians (TV)
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Canon Compliant, F/F, wickoff
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-05-19
Updated: 2017-06-04
Packaged: 2018-11-02 17:11:53
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 3
Words: 1,210
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10949037
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/roses_and_thorns3/pseuds/roses_and_thorns3
Summary: Julia's Shade has been returned. It's not all it's cracked up to be.





	1. Grief

**Author's Note:**

  * For [](https://archiveofourown.org/gifts).



**A/N: Your health comes first. There are graphic references to past rape and the detailed trauma accompanied by it. If this triggers you, please do not read. Take care of yourself.**

 

“Put it back, Martin.” 

 

Julia felt… strange. She stood in a lover’s pose with the Beast, Martin Chatwin, in her apartment in Brooklyn. She was there...but she wasn’t. Afloat, in reality and in the ether at the same time -- a shard of her soul was in Martin’s hand. The rest of it still firmly seated inside of her. 

But there was something else. Something  _ missing _ ...but not. 

 

Peace.

That was the word for what she felt. 

 

It was not what she wanted. 

 

“Put it back, Martin.”

“It’s okay, it’s okay…” his voice attempted to soothe, to assuage. Her body wanted to listen.

It would not do. 

“I need it. Put it back  _ now _ , Martin.” she said. Her words came out breathlessly. All her senses were laser-focused on the flower of  _ freedom _ blooming in her chest. 

Martin sighed, “Suit yourself.” 

 

And then it was there. 

 

Pain. Grief. Silent tears as Reynard  _ took  _ her--

 

But above all that --  _ Kady _ . Screaming. How she hated that sound,  _ despised  _ that sound. No sound like that was meant to come from her lips, not  _ her  _ Kady.

Grief. 

 

Julia relished it. 


	2. Hate

Julia was floating. Where, she couldn’t tell. How long had she been here? No. Not here. But not there either. Somewhere else. But  _ where _ ? It wasn’t the Neitherlands. She knew that much. It seemed the only pieces of her that survived were her thoughts. 

 

And her pain. 

 

Oh,  _ yes _ . There it was. The vitality of her being hadn’t vanished. She had only forgotten it. She studied it now, the swirl of soft pink-and-gold energy that thrummed like a heartbeat and felt like the sun in her chest. But it did not burn. Hell, it didn’t  _ do  _ anything. A useless thing, a damned thing. She hated it in that moment. Why was it  _ here _ ? 

 

_ Put it back, Martin _ . 

 

Why had she told him that? Stupid,  _ stupid _ . Why had she insisted she  _ needed  _ it, all it was was a pain! Many pains. God, get it out, get it  _ out _ \--

The memory shredded through her like a knife. 

~

_ Julia had been scrubbing relentlessly at the same bloody spot on the floor for nearly an hour. She didn’t notice. Her eyes were closed. The only thing she could  _ see  _ was her friends. Free Trader Beowulf, Menolly, Silver, Richard -- oh god, Richard -- Bender, and  _ KADY--

 

Kady. 

 

_ Had she gotten out? Was she safe, was she okay, was she  _ alive--

_ Was she dead? Maybe Reynard had gone after her when he was...done with Julia. Julia would have prayed, would have pleaded with any god to  _ please  _ let Kady be okay. Safe. Breathing.  _

_ But it was clear that the gods did not care.  _

 

_ And her friends. She could still hear it. The sickening  _ slice  _ of their throats. The tears on their faces, their blood staining her clothes. Could hear Kady screaming, could hear herself screaming.  _

_ Had they been in pain? Julia once again would have prayed.  _ Please. Please let it be just me that hurts. 

_ But there wasn't anyone there to listen. So Julia was silent.  _

 

_ Marina had been her salvation. Despite everything, she found it ironically funny.  _ Marina  _ was helping her.  _

_ “You remember what Brakebills did to your memory?” Julia already knew the answer. When Marina nodded, Julia made her request.  _

_ “I need you to do it to me.”  _

~

Grief. 

 

Julia hated it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Am I evil? Possibly. 
> 
> Come hate me on twitter, @sassyarcherboy.


	3. Lie

Julia remembered what it felt like when Brakebills took her memory. She had woken up that morning in a daze. Lightheaded and feeling as if someone had reached inside her mind and scooped out something vital. But it was messy. They hadn’t scooped it  _ out  _ of her mind, only scrambled things. Knocked things over. She felt strange, like she had inhaled a full tank of laughing gas and was high as a kite. Unclean. 

 

And then she saw the already-scarring cut on her arm. The ruined tissue not unlike a mud path torn up with tire tracks. Her reminder. Where would she have gotten this?  _ When  _ would she have gotten this?

 

Anger quickly followed. How  _ dare  _ they rake through her mind as easily as waving a hand over her face and try to  _ take  _ what belonged to her. How dare they say she had  _ failed  _ when she so obviously hadn’t. 

Julia’s dad used to tell her she was so stubborn Satan would let her out of hell just because he was exhausted. Julia made it her life motto when she was 17. 

 

She had thought of it while that bastard memory specialist had muttered his incantations and clicked and folded his fingers above her head. She could  _ feel _ his magic, like worms in her brain, and had sprayed her father’s words over them like Raid.  _ No _ . These were  _ her  _ memories -- fuck OFF. It had taken her until the end of his spell for her stubbornness to crumble. Perhaps that’s why she felt so misshapen in her mind. Force meets resistance and shit gets fucked up. 

 

For some reason she had trouble believing that’s actually what it was. Just magic that was making her feel this way. Not the fact that she hadn’t taken her meds in two weeks, not the fact that when she sliced her ring over her arm it reminded her of times where marks on her arms were normal--

 

Stop. That was enough. 

~

Julia hadn’t let them take her memory. Had refused it with every cell in her body. Whatever strength she had then was long gone. And as she drifted in the here-that-was-not-here-but-not-there of her mind, she remembered Marina performing the same spell. Had remembered how gentle her magic was -- Funny, Julia would never have thought of Marina as  _ gentle _ \-- caressing the throbbing pain in her head and soothing it to sleep. Not here, not there. The blood on the floor vanished. The bodies behind her vanished. A velvety curtain of light and peace and happiness swept over her memories of pain and screaming and blood, and Julia welcomed it. Let it be hidden from her. 

 

And when she woke up, the sun was greeting her through the window of her bedroom. She was in clean clothes. Her living room gone of any previous gore. Julia had stood. Stretched. Inhaled deeply. She felt  _ good _ . I mean, how else were you supposed to feel after summoning a goddess? She remembered the miracles that had occurred in her  _ living room  _ the day before. Menolly’s breast cancer a thing of the past. Kady’s drug addiction gone from the world. Bender smiling and laughing,  _ real  _ laughter. Richard grinning at her from across the room. 

 

And Kady. She remembered something else, something that made Julia want to  _ glow _ . The night before the summoning. The kiss they’d shared. Their dance. What Kady had said, before promptly passing out on Julia’s bed. 

“I’m glad we met, Jules.”

Julia hadn’t known what to say. Hadn’t expected it. So she said nothing. Only softly kissed Kady’s hair, and slumped down next to her. She fell asleep like that. Curled against the body of a girl she had never thought she could say she…

 

_ It wasn’t real.  _

 

Grief.

 

Julia needed it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> GOD I'M AWFUL.

**Author's Note:**

> Not done yet. More pain to come, of course. You know me. ;)


End file.
